Sunday, November 7, 2010

SPIRAL


No one is asking you to be nice for the sake of it.
No one is asking you to bond for the sake of it.
But if you unknowingly feel that people are thinking,
" why is he so nice to him? what has he done for him anyway ? "
'' he seems to be taking advantage for his sacrifices "......
and if you feel that people are blaming you
and if you keep thinking that
you're the bad one and I'm the good one.
and that is why you feel that I need to feel the love so that no one will blame you or take side from me.
THIS WAS NEVER WAS THE CASE.

I realized 1 thing.

All I'm saying is ....
" You don't have to give me the same level amount of love. It doesn't matter. I can feel our friendship and the bond. That is enough. "

and how you interpreted of what I was saying is.....
" i care for you, so why dont you care? its not fair that i show u so much attention but u ignore me. I want your love !!! I put in so much love & concern. Not fair !!!!!! "

and how you also defended yourself was...
""i can do whatever i want with my friendship. why are ppl telling me what to do , what not to do? I'm sick and tired of explaining. I just want to be myself."

The thing is.............
No one has ever blamed you at all.
No one has even said anything at all.
Don't you know?
what they truly said was & I heard it before my very ears were
" WOW THEY LIKE COUPLE !"
WOW THEIR FRIENDSHIP SO GOOD ! NEVER SEEN GUY BUDDIES LIKE THAT ONE LE !"
" WOW HOW COME U GUYS SO CLOSE ONE AH !?"

I'm just thinking this could be of the unconscious cause.
and that is why probably,
you wanted a fresh start. wanted the distance. wanted this non-existence fault to disappear.
But no one has even blame you at all or think negatively .
what they feel was the " WOW ' or our friendship.
so don't have this mindset.
The next time when I care about you,
I don't want you to have this mindset " Goodness. Must I return his concern for me? "
or anything similar to this thought.
I care means I care.
That is all.
I don't expect anything at all.
This is the real current me.

It doesn't matter how much care we mutually give together.
It doesn't matter how much time we mutually spend together.
It doesn't matter how much we share mutually together.

The fact is,
This is not even how friendship is measured.

The fact is,
we love. we care. This is enough.
Not how much you need to return.
Not how much you need to sacrifice.

I've never seen this issue in this perspective.
I've never seen such clear view when I viewed myself in a 3rd party perspective.

Don't take this blame.
there is no fault to begin with.
Because initially, I never see any fault and yet you saw it.
That is why I got so confused.
and now, I see that this fault never even existed before.
so don't................................

I've really really changed in that weeks of isolation.
Don't dig up the incidents that I've already buried & forgotten,
and blame on these 2 incidents.
Why are you so hard on yourself?
Let it go.
If you believe in me,
Let it go.
Don't use that incidents to " attack " me.
Don't use that incident to " judge " me .
Don't use that incident to " defend " yourself.
Don't use that incident to " blame " everything that is going to happen in the future.
It has been buried & forgotten.
So let it go..............
That was then.
But this is now.
I hope you believe in me.
and let's share this burden together - if you're willing to share it with me :)
Just take your time.
If you need me, I'll be there .

And I ever wanted was " LET'S LAUGH TOGETHER AGAIN ".
nothing more than that.

The Fairy & The Funeral{2:11 PM}
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